Auditing Your Dating Patterns

If you keep dating the same type of man and getting the same disappointing outcome... that’s a pattern, beloved. And patterns don’t break themselves.

I’m forty-one years old and have spent the last decade dedicated to helping women unpack their dating patterns and do the inner work they need so they can get out of their own way and stop getting into toxic-ass relationships. But I’m only able to do this work with women because I did it for myself first.

“I’ve been through a lot of shit with men, but I’ve also put myself through a lot of shit with men” is a sentence that comes out of my mouth regularly because it’s just the truth. 

Now, I used to teach a live group class a few times a year, but as my life got busier, I had to adjust. So I retired the live version, renamed it Auditing Your Dating Patterns, and restructured it in a way for women to be able to go through it at their own pace. 

This blog post is actually module nine of that. 

Of all the homework I’ve ever created for myself and then extended to my clients, this is by far one of my all-time favourites. Mostly because it doesn’t get any more in-your-face clear than this… and that’s exactly what we need in order to see our patterns, then change what we don’t like about them.

You’re going to need your journal for this, so I encourage you to go get it right now, flip to a fresh page and title it: AUDITING MY DATING PATTERNS. In all caps. You're going to write the prompts, then your answer to them.

By the time you’re done with this audit, I promise that you’ll have an entirely different perspective of the role you’ve been playing in your dating life. 

You need to be unabashedly honest with yourself though, otherwise this doesn’t work.

Back in the day when I did mine, the first thing I wrote down was the names of all the men I’d ever dated, starting from the age of eighteen. Next to each name, I jotted down how long we dated and whether we moved forward into an actual committed relationship, or if it stayed a situationship.

Do you have to do that part? No. But you should, because it’ll help you dig deeper into the patterns we’re about to unearth. The purpose of this work, after all, is to get the clearest picture possible of your adult dating life so you can pinpoint what needs to change and, more importantly, why.

You ready? Let’s get busy.

Do the men you date tend to typically be:

1. AGE

Older, younger, or the same age as you?

2. APPEARANCE

Race? Height?

Handsome, well-dressed, charming, and the kind of guy who gets a lot of attention from women?

Or average-looking, socially awkward, not much thought into outward appearance, and doesn’t receive much attention from women?

3. PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER

Introverts, extroverts, or ambiverts?

Leaders or followers?

Uptight or laid-back?

Serious or fun-loving?

Ambitious and full of initiative or passive and lacking ambition?

Generous or stingy?

Good guys or bad boys?

Honest or liars?

Safe or dangerous?

Kind or mean?

Considerate or selfish?

Compassionate or cold-hearted?

Conceited or humble?

Confident or insecure?

Optimistic or pessimistic?

Respectful or disrespectful?

Jealous and controlling or secure?

4. JOB SITUATION

Drug dealers or illegal money-makers?

Blue-collar? White-collar?

Nine to Five or entrepreneurs?

“In-between jobs”?

Nightlife (DJ, club security, club manager, etc.)?

Rappers/musicians/creatives?

5. RELATIONSHIP STATUS

Completely single?

Casually dating other women?

In a relationship?

Married?

Separated?

Okay, now that you’ve written all that out, let’s pause here for a moment.

Often when I’m coaching women in a session or a live group class and I ask, “What’s your type?” without fail, they start listing off physical traits, and then follow it up with things like, “Kind, caring, honest, faithful”—all the things you’d probably list off too.

Then we go through the dating audit, and what they end up realizing is that whatever they wrote down is their actual type.

You know why? Because patterns don’t lie, beloved. 

They tell the real story every single time.

So if you don’t like what’s staring back at you in your own handwriting, I have a question for you: Is it on the men you date to change who they are to accommodate you? Or is it on you to stop choosing the same type of men over and over again?

Now, let’s look at your patterns and behavior while dating. 

Write out each prompt in your journal, then answer them one at a time. 

• Do you usually fall for a man’s words and promises, or do you take your time to see if his words and promises match his actions consistently?

• How quickly do you find yourself trying to be in committed relationships with the men you date?

• Do you usually commit to the idea of who they could be (their potential), or do you commit to who they actually are?

• Do you usually ignore their red flags and make excuses for their behavior?

• How quickly do you usually go to a man’s house or invite him back to yours?

• How quickly do you usually have sex with the men you date?

• Do you usually have sex with them before assessing if they are emotionally, mentally, and physically safe for you? (And if you’re spiritual—spiritually safe?)

• Do you usually have sex with them before getting tested (both of you) and exchanging test results?

• Do you usually prioritize chemistry, sparks, and flames over their ability to meet your needs and align with your values?

• Do you usually get attached to the men you date through sex?

• Do you usually try to change the men you date to be more of what you want them to be for you?

So, now that you’ve written all that out, read it back over again—a few times even.

What do you see? 

Which of your own patterns feel like they’re glaring back at you from the paper so hard that it’s making you shift uncomfortably in your seat?

Circle them. Preferably with a red pen.

Congratulations. You just found your own red flags.

Oh, you thought those were just reserved for men, did ya?

We have social media to thank for that.

Everyone loves making lists for women about red flags in men, but rarely do you see lists about the red flags in ourselves. And if you did, let’s be honest… would you actually take them into consideration? Probably not.

Because in your mind, the men you date and get into relationships with are the sole cause of your problems. But as you can now see in front of you, your patterns tell a different story: Two things can exist at the same time. The men you date are a problem, and so are you.

So now that you’ve written all that down, you’re gonna need to flip it and reverse it. Because it’s one thing to see your patterns in front of you, but it’s another thing entirely to actually change them.

And yes, breaking your own cycles is uncomfortable as hell. 

There’s a reason people never grow or evolve–being face to face with your own shit is hard, and because you’re so used to doing things one way, even when it’s not good for you, you tend to default back to it the moment the opportunity presents itself. But you know what’s even harder?

Waking up in the same bullshit situation over and over again, knowing you could’ve made a different choice.

So here’s where you’re going to implement the “doing” part of this work: The next time you go on a first date, every one of the patterns you circled earlier, you’re going to practice doing the complete opposite.

If you usually get attached to the men you date through sex, for example, then don’t sleep with him until you’ve taken the time to see if he’s actually a good man for you.

If you usually try to change the men you date into being more of what you want them to be for you, then you’re going to acknowledge them for exactly who they are and leave them alone.

And if you’ve learned through this audit that your “type” has actually been men who aren’t good for you, then instead of inviting them into your life, you’re going to start rejecting them.

Inward, then outward.

Everything starts and ends with you.

Like I said in the beginning, this was module nine of Auditing Your Dating Patterns, but there are a total of twelve. Now that you’ve gotten a taste, if you’d like to work through the entire thing (highly recommend you do), you can click right here and do just that. 

There’s a popular phrase that runs rampant on social media to sum up what dating is like nowadays, that I’m sure you’ve heard and have probably even said yourself – “The bar is in hell.”

By the end of the twelve modules, my hope is that you realize, actually… 

the bar is in your hands.

XO,

Cynthia